A super hard post to write..

I have spent a great deal of time trying to decide whether or not I wanted to write this post.  I just feels too personal and private to put out into the blog world.  But, after scouring the internet looking for stories that were similar to mine I decided that sharing my experience and frustrations could be more helpful to others than keeping it private was helpful to me.  So here it is..

Many of you know that I started this autoimmune diet/therapy as a result of my Hashimoto’s diagnosis last summer.  However, what few know is the reason that I was motivated to look past the”I will just take this pill and be fine” option.  In September, Penn and I found out that we were expecting our 4th child.  We were very excited (we had always planned to have 4) and naturally a little nervous.  We were in the middle of construction on our home and were about to move out into my parents vacant house, we had 3 energy filled boys keeping us on our toes, and I had never been pregnant with my thyroid condition before.  I immediately contacted my OBGYN and internist to let them know I was pregnant and they went ahead and tested my TSH to check levels.  It had jumped up a little to 2.04 so they upped my dose of meds and planned to continue monitoring my levels every 4 weeks to be safe.  I felt good.  Of course I was nauseated, tired, and all that but those things made me feel better in a weird way because it meant everything was okay!  I had an early ultrasound at a little past 6 weeks and saw a little bean with a heartbeat.  It measured slightly behind (a day or 2) and the heartbeat was a bit slower (supposedly because it was early).  I was told they would do another ultrasound in a few weeks.  At 7 1/2 weeks I started spotting.  I had never in my 3 previous pregnancies spotted before so that Saturday I went to the ER to learn that I had lost the baby.  I realize I am a very blessed person to have had 3 easy conceptions, pregnancies and deliveries with no worries or losses, but this was completely new to me.  Of course I was sad.  Of course I was a little angry/frustrated.  Why did that baby not make it?  The doctors all told me that it was probably a fluke thing… many pregnancies end in miscarriage for no apparent reason.  But somehow in my gut I knew that my thyroid disease was to blame.  I decided at that point that I was not okay with just taking a pill.  I wanted to heal my body!

Fast forward to now.  I have been dairy, gluten, and caffeine (and mostly alcohol) free for 2 1/2 months.  We had not planned to try again for a baby until I got the all clear from  my nutritionist.  Life, however, had other plans and I found out Sunday a week ago that I was pregnant again.  I immediately made calls, but had an uneasy feeling. This pregnancy was even shorter.  I miscarried at a little over 5 weeks.

Penn and I are not sure what our plans are at this point.  I am going to continue on my diet plan, keep taking my supplements, and what not.  I am going to keep on the path to healing because that is what is best for my body.  As far as babies go.. I don’t know.  I don’t know if we will try again.  I just don’t know.  I am sure there are people out there who would say “You have 3 healthy children.. more than many can have at all and you should just be thankful.”  My answer to them is of course I am thankful!  I am thankful every day for them and if this experience has taught me nothing else it is that babies are a miracle!  If I have all that I will have.. thank you God.  But for now we will keep eating well, keep soaking in the sunshine, and keep counting our blessings.